A Little "Un-Advice" to Virgin Parents

Dear New Parent:

Know this . . .

When my daughter was a newborn, I would look at wild children with food stuck to their faces in the grocery store with such pity. Judgmentally thinking, "You poor wild child. Your mama doesn't even care enough to wash your face." And then, my baby grew and I had another one. Fast forward to today and now that my second is four - I can't be sure, but I think he was born with a food mustache. And who am I to change the way he was born? That would just be mean. And as for wild children...it seems as though mine may have written the book on how to act wild in a grocery store.

Being a new mama is daunting, but not just because you are now completely responsible for another human beings life (no pressure there). No. What's most daunting is living up to the expectations we have set for ourselves. You know all those books and magazines promising to know all the answers? I assure you that they do not, and if they make that claim, put the book down and RUN!

If you were to make a checklist of all the parenting advice floating around out there - two things would happen: 1) You would never finish the list even if you worked on it your whole life (which would leave you little time to be the kind of parent the list is telling you you should be) and 2) If you finished, and actually started checking things off of that list, you would be doing and undoing the same things over and over. It all eventually contradicts itself.

So here's the only advice I ever give to new parents. Trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that you know what your child needs. Listen to that small voice inside that knows things - and then do those things. If what you do works, keep doing that. If it doesn't, listen again and do something different. No two children are exactly alike - not even identical twins. Which is a pretty good indicator that giving blanket advice to solve the complex issues of raising a human is a shady practice.

By all means, learn what you can and share what worked for you with others. If asked. I know all too well the desperation that comes along with a child that won't sleep, or eat, or stop sticking things in their ears, or talk, or mind, or. . . well you get the point. There are times when I will take any advice I can get. I am forever grateful and in debt to the angels who shared their experience and helped me through those times. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone is enough.

Also, ask for help when you need it. That's a  hard thing to do. But frankly, there are just too many loving hands reaching toward us to leave them all hanging. It just wouldn't be right. Believe me I know. I've needed my fair share of help over the years, and asking is hard. Every. Single. Time. But, it is always worth the pride that I had to swallow.

That's it. My parenting advice in a nutshell. Trust yourself and ask for help.

And here's the thing you should know about this advice. My kids are seven and four, and I am just now figuring this out. Unfortunately, parenting your specific child is a-learn-as-you-go kind of job, with lots of mistakes along the way. You should also know that I screw up daily. Which means I have to forgive myself daily. Which might be the hardest thing of all. I get to the point where the guilt feels almost comfortable, how should I feel if I can't feel guilty? Are there any other feelings?

Oh! And one more important thing! Beware of comparing yourself to the other mamas around you. Because there is no way you can be someone else. You are human and you and so it's literally impossible. I've tried - it didn't work out for me so well. Think about it, even Martha Stewart has a team of people who work around the clock to maintain her perfection. And if she can't do it all on her own, nobody can. We all have our gifts. And we all have to choose those few important things we value and then stick to those things. Because there simply isn't enough time in life to be everything. If you are a mama who believes in home cooking from scratch for every meal - that is awesome! And it probably means you don't have much time to also make all of your families clothes from scratch too - and that's okay.

I believe in my heart that if you stick to your gifts and follow your values, that finding your ultimate life's purpose is inevitable. And whatever that purpose is, I know that it makes you a beautiful and special and unique mother.

So when you so meet that mother who makes meals from scratch (and believe me, you will) please, please, please don't compare yourself to her. You see, that's like comparing apples and oranges. Two different fruits equally nourishing and sweet. There's a time and place for apples and a time and place for oranges. You just might be an apple. An apple will never be an orange, and that's okay because apples are healthy and delicious just as they are. And so are you.

Once that sweet little baby comes into this world, the jig is up, so you might as well just let the idea that you will be the perfect parent go. And from there, you can work on the aspects of parenting that you are really good at - and I promise that is all you need. When it comes to raising babies, good enough ends up being the perfect formula for a happy kid. And isn't that one goal that matters most?

With Love Forever and Ever,
Shawna

P.S. My hand is already reaching toward you, and so are all the other mamas hands...all you have to do is reach out when you need one. Because that's what us mamas do. Hold each other up. We are a tightly woven together basket that tries to catch the mamas who fall because she thinks she is alone. You are never alone. Not ever.

The Perils of Pants: Forwards, Backwards, and Inside Out.

I LOVE this picture and quote from Bill Cosby. He is a genius at finding the humor in parenting and one of my go to sources for a smile on a hard day.

Here is the thing: Parenting is hard. It is a job that requires constant awareness and vigilance. And that is exhausting to the point of insanity. We begin to think that small mistakes will alter the course of our child's destiny forever. And yet, parenting is also a source great joy and humor. Once you get to a certain point of exhaustion, delirium sets in and everything you and your children do seems ridiculous and hilarious. We pose the most threat to our children when we take ourselves too seriously. The truth is that there are days when I can giggle and laugh at my little people’s antics, and other days it feels like I am stabbing myself in the eye with a spoon. Repeatedly.

Take for instance my daughters tendency to put her clothes on backwards and inside out. She once went through an entire school day with backwards jeans. And she often comes to the car at the end of school not noticing that her coat is on UPSIDE DOWN. There are days I just giggle and let her be, and other days when I fear it will make her a target for bullies and hence ruin her school career and possibly lead her to suicidal thoughts. On those days she MUST change her clothes to the “normal” way. It is literally a life and death matter. It all depends on my mood and my perspective as to how I will react. The only thing I am certain of is that she really doesn’t care if her clothes are backwards, inside out, or upside down. And, the message I am sending her is that she is not okay 'as is'. And, she has no idea why I am urgently yelling at her to change her clothes around. NOW! For her getting dressed at all is an accomplishment, considering she’s pretty much an exibitionist. Clothes? Who needs clothes?

Taking ourselves too seriously is a symptom of the much larger cultural disease called Perfect Parent Syndrome. There are magazines and TV shows and other parents screaming at us to be perfect. Reminding us of the perils in this world at every bend. And what’s whispered beneath the screams of these advertisements and shows and judgements is that we are not good enough unless we are: feeding our children organic everything, have them in cute-white-picture-perfect-outfits, taking them out on wonderful adventures that we can talk about on facebook, and/or preparing them to be the next Steve Jobs. That’s just the list of the stuff we SHOULD be doing. The list of don’ts is significantly longer, for example, under no circumstances are they to watch TV for any length of time (That’ll get you on the terrible parenting list for sure). 

It’s no wonder we’re all a little sensitive and slightly insane when it comes to the quality of our parenting. It’s no surprise that backwards pants can lead a mom to the eventual death of her child. It’s obvious why most of the parents I know and love are completely crazy. Crazy can be a sign of a good parent, you know.

So my point is this: Parenting is serious business. And...it isn’t. It’s in the code of our DNA, and as long as we are following our instincts even a little, our kids will most likely be okay. Because, guess what? Resilience is in our kids DNA. So we can all relax about backwards clothing and focus on the really important stuff. Like making sure that they know, to their core, inside their gut, that they are loved and special. That they could never do anything to ever take that love away. And truth be told, we love them even more for wearing their clothes backwards. And that it’s always safe to be exactly who they are at home - no matter what their clothes look like, no matter how “crazy” they are.

Parenting is the most important job we have, and the most important thing we can do as parents is lighten up a little and laugh at ourselves. Because as Bill Cosby once said, “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

Public Service Announcement: Don't Worry. You're Crazy Too, Just Like the Rest of Us.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a recovering perfectionist. Well, some might call my perfectionism obsessive compulsive, but whatever. Tomato, tomato. I would argue that the forces within my brain urging me to make my life match the cover of every magazine I've ever seen, makes me normal. Very normal. I'll admit it, I'm putty in the advertisers and marketers hands just like the (evil) psychologists they hire want me to be. And you aren't? If you think you're not putty, the next time you get on Google or Facebook, check out the ads they've posted just for you. The magical algorithms of the google gods have figured out your "uniqueness" and placed you firmly in a demographic.

It is crazy really. We think of ourselves as individuals to a fault here in the states, and yet we follow what The Media tells us to do like a herd of sheep. The internet revolution has only added to this mania. We all (yes, even the perfection queen Marth Stewart) have information overload so bad that we are now a herd of psychologically disturbed sheep. Depending upon which information source we are digesting for the day, we have ADD at our best and at our worst - paranoid schitzophrenia.

Just for the record, this is not a reprimand. Just an observation and announcement that we are all crazy. All of us. Batshit crazy. And I would assert that us Americans are the craziest of them all. A short time at the mall, or even better, at a bar pretending to be an anthropologist will confirm this point.

Of course we are all crazy in our own special way (along with the other thousands of people scattered throughout the country who are crazy just like us according to the google gods). We are Americans afterall.

This is why I love the field of psychology, and why I will spend my life trying to understand our messed up brains. Humans. Are. Crazy. That's what makes us interesting. And possibly what separates us from the real animals. Maybe. This really depends on where you are getting your information fix.

So, yes I am crazy. And probably more of a sheep than I'd care to admit. But, that is the first step to being less crazy and less sheepish right? Acknowledging who we are and announcing it to the world with authenticity is the best weapon we have against insanity. It's the ones who won't reveal their crazy selves to the world we need to watch out for. So, no, I am not ashamed of my crazy ass. Because if we are honest, we're all a little nuts, and that just might be the only thing that makes us truly individual.

A Letter to My Friends in the North and South Pole

I know many of you are sick of political talk, and I understand - so here is your warning - political speak ahead, leave now or forever hold your peace. You might also heed before you read on, that if you are extreme in your political views either left or right, I am about to reprimand you, so perhaps it is best that you do not read on if you have thin skin.

First to the liberals out there saying we have come to a new dawn of liberal awakening in this country - stop. Just stop and think before you go on anymore. While there is certainly a shift to the left - this is hardly a mandate to impose a liberal agenda on the American people. Let’s be grateful for this shift in our direction, yes, but mandate? Really? Let’s remember where we were just 2 years ago on these issues shall we? You can’t all have amnesia, seems more like a case of selective memory to me. If anything, there has a been a mandate to move to the center and be reasonable, responsible human beings. Can you say Tea Party? You know the massive movement that assumed a mandate 2 years ago? I know it might be hard to remember since they were rarely mentioned, if at all in this election cycle. There is a lesson in their being left out of the conversation. They assumed more support than what they really had, let’s not repeat their history, shall we? Speaking of The Right, as for you, my fellow Americans - holding onto the house is also NOT a mandate by the American people to be uncooperative, holding onto the position of no new taxes as though that is the only problem plaguing America is tantamount to delusional thinking. No new taxes? Ever? Really? Come on.

My plea to my friends,  family, acquaintances, and people I don’t even know who reside in the figurative poles of the political spectrum is this: Move! It’s cold and lonely in both the North and South Pole - and I might add you can get little done in the name of progress from either place. Communications are unstable in these barren and cold destinations. When seen from this light,  it does however  make sense that you resort to shouting in order to be heard - the simplicity of the enormous distance between you dictates that you must. But, I would advise, there is a better way. Sure you can keep your igloo there in the poles where you live - but you may want to consider getting a second home somewhere closer to the equator if you truly believe in your cause the way your fervor indicates.

Real progress is made in the small steps we take toward each other each day, each moment. There are so many things we can agree on when we go to the equator. The weather is nicer there for one, I think we can all agree on that (or are we that far gone?). And people are happier when they have a little sun shining down on them. Think about that person you love who believes in a vision of the country residing in the pole opposite of yours, when you strip away their differentness and see them there standing in the light of day - don’t you still love them? Aren’t they still human? Is it possible that some of what they are saying has some merit? Where can you meet them? Maybe the 45th parallel is as far as you can go - but understand that leaves them traveling a much farther distance to see you, and decreases the chances of them doing so.

Let me be clear, moving to the middle does not entail handing the other side a list so they can move closer to you. You must review the issues most important to you and prioritize them. Perhaps there are some you are unwilling to budge on, and that is okay, like I said, keep your igloo. And maybe take a vacation at the equator for a bit. Move down your list of priorities to number three and four and five and six - can you budge there? And if not, if it must be all or nothing for you, if you like living in the arctic, then that is your choice, but remember this - people vacation in The Bahamas  for a reason.

How can we expect our politicians to move toward one another if the people who elected them are permanently located in the North and South poles? We are the real leaders - not the people we elect. Aren’t we their bosses? Don’t we elect them to follow us? And isn’t the best way to lead by example? They are called representatives because they represent the makeup of this country. If you feel like the politicians are sick, you cannot and must not remove yourself from that equation, what symptoms might you be causing? One of the few things universally agreed upon is that we are all tired of the bickering, and yet we do nothing but complain from our igloos, criticizing those who believe different from us for not coming to visit.

As I watch the news about the impending financial cliff, I am cautiously optimistic when I see 2 sides reaching their hands out toward one another to solve a problem that could hurt us all equally. My real concern lies in our reaction to their willingness to compromise. Will we reward them for their efforts or will we the people continue our unhealthy, bipolar, and often delusional swings from one opinion to the other? Let us all pray for the warmth of the equator in the light of a new day, our sanity just may depend on it.